When I thought I had no one to talk to
And how I found the words I had to say
Once again, I am posting an excerpt from the first draft novel I wrote November last year for NaNoWriMo.
This time, one character was somehow trapped in a situation and he had no one to talk to, he was originally talking to himself but his monologue turned into some form of prayer.
Could someone please guide me on the path that I am trying to take?
There are so many things I am so uncertain about. I am worried. I hope this is the good kind of worry. Uncertainty is certain. More certain than the ground I am stepping on. But you are my light, the lamplight of my soul. In this world of uncertainty and this long-stretch of corridors filled with people who lost their consciousness, I can only trust in you.
But when I don’t see nor hear you, what do I do? Do I succumb myself to what is seen? Do I seek for a companion? I learned that loneliness is not something physical. Loneliness is a spiritual signal telling us how distant we are from you. It’s not that you left us. But it is that we took a different path. We went to the wrong direction.
My thoughts are often unclear and wavering. Decision-making has become a task I couldn’t easily handle. I became used to relying on someone else’s idea or opinion not realizing that it is you whom I should rely on. You are my head. And I am your body. You do the thinking. I do the action. But since you are the head, you are doing the action through me.
Let your thoughts flow into my brain. Let me see what you want me to see. Let me do only what you want me to do. Let me find the lost souls and save them if I can. Not with my power or ability. On my own, there is no one I could ever save. No, not even myself.
Lead me through your ways. Let me take the path you have taken although I am afraid. I fear so many things. I fear that I might not be able to carry the world in the same way you do. I am uncertain of my strengths but I am well aware of my weaknesses. The weaknesses through which you are helping me grow through.
My stories maybe similar to several people. But the stories I share with you are one of a kind.
In this world where thoughts become reality, I think of you. I think of your presence. I think of moments when I can be surrounded by your glorious presence. What can I do? Shall I sing a song or shall I dance in gladness? One thing is sure, I will be in such an awe.
You bring peace into my heart. My heart is becoming calm the more I think of you. My worries begin to disappear for I put my trust in you. Though I am still uncertain of tomorrow, I worry not. It is because I found my peace in you.
Love. Only your love is eternal. Only your love exists everywhere I go. Be it in the physical world or in this world that I somehow cannot understand, I am certain that your love overflows. I have the conviction that you love me still.
Why did you send me in to this world? I ask. Why do you give me this circumstance? What is it which you ought me to do? Tell me so I may do it. Tell me so I may fulfill it. There will be a big difference if I know, that is what you said. If I knew, then my thoughts and actions would be totally different. If I knew, then miracles will happen.
Let me know. Pour down your knowledge upon me. Pour down your wisdom upon me. It is only you who is all-knowing. Please let me know so I may do what it is that you will me to do.
There is a certain kind of evil in the physical world. What about in this world that somehow I cannot fathom? Is it all good? Or is there something hidden which I am just yet to see?
I wish there were no evil around me. But if there were, let me borrow your strength so I could fight and destroy them. None of them shall survive. None of them shall ever hurt the very people whom you truly love.
I will save your people. Please use me. Lend me your power, Oh Lord.
But please. Save me too.
In the process of writing the first draft as a whole and through the experience of suddenly writing a prayer monologue for a character, I realized how important it is to talk to your inner self and so much more to converse with the highest being that is God.
My mentor always told me “Prayer is conversation. We shouldn’t just talk and talk. But we must also listen. If we listen spiritually and if it is appropriate, we will hear the voice of God in our hearts.”
He also often pointed out that “Prayer is not only when our eyes are closed and our hands are clasped together. In our daily lives too, while working or studying, if we think of and call out to God it is deemed as prayer — a conversation with God.”
What is it which you are praying about these days? Let us pray about it together. I am eager to hear from you. What do you think about prayer? Has prayer, in one way or another, changed the course of your life? How?
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